Beltaine

We are halfway between the spring equinox and the summer solstice. It’s a time of newness springing to life - lambing season, trees transforming from flowers to leaves, and the daytime is definitely longer. It is also taurus season - a sign that loves grounded pleasure, joy, and the comforts of life (with a possibility of stubbornness :). In our current times you may be hesitant to turn towards pleasure while there is so much suffering in the world. It may seem to be in more solidarity to forego any pleasure. However, in the village that is this world, we need people who remember that pleasure is a vital part of being human. To me, how much we can stay present in pleasure is deeply connected to how much capacity we have to be with discomfort. Those that can dwell within the full continuum of human experience are the companions that walk with us, throughout whatever we may encounter. 

When I first began as a somatic experiencing client, I was having some really painful flashbacks. I came to my first SE session in 2019 with the goal to relieve my suffering and was therefore prepared to go to some really painful places. While we would certainly go into the pain, there was a point in my sessions, always initiated by my guide Shari, to shift to somewhere in my body or in my environment that felt a smidge less painful. “Where is there a drop more ease?” “Look around your room, what gives you a feeling of warmth, a smile to your face?” “Where is the opposite feeling of the pain in you?” Shari would ask some question that would invite me out of my pain and into something a drop more different. 

HOW ANNOYING…didn’t she know that the way to fix me was to sit in the pain until I figured it out?!! I am not sure why I kept coming back again and again to those sessions. I found the work slow, it did not show any observable improvement in my daily life, and I kept wondering when we were going to get to the fix it, problem solving part of our work. Shari’s continued invitations to turn to something pleasing, enjoyable, less painful, just did not seem like the way to do it. So why did I keep coming back? 

First, I trusted Shari. She was wise and had an infinite capacity for deep regard. I entered our time together with a willingness to be challenged and guided to uncomfortable places, even when those places were pleasure. And secondly, after each session I felt a smidge better. Did it last until the next time we met? No, but that was not the point. In that slow, titrated work with the invitation again and again to orient to pleasure, to orient to something just a bit less painful, I found my capacity to be with my pain shift. It was easier to meet my pain with more self-compassion and curiosity. I also found my capacity for pleasure and enjoyment grow. It took two solid years of consistently meeting with Shari to one day realize my inner landscape had radically changed. Drop by drop. I looked up and the world and my relationship to it had shifted. 

More recently I found myself one morning laying in bed unable to move due to some severe muscle spasms. I was scared and in a lot of pain waiting to head to the doctor. A good friend called and I picked up (the first miracle of the morning). “What’s up,” she said. “UGHHH I am laying in bed and I cannot move.” That honest reply was met with a huge dose of witnessing, sweetness, and empathy.

We talked about how difficult it is to be in these bodies - the pain, the unpredictability, the time needed to manage them. And then at some point when sufficient suffering had been witnessed, my dear friend said “And isn’t a miracle that we are alive together at this time?!” After her question there was a moment within me I observed myself wanting to push away this invitation.

The habit of being in the pain is so ingrained. I spent years practicing for this very moment with Shari, so I took my dear friend's invitation to orient to pleasure and said "yes it is" (and I mean it). For a moment, I was transported out of my pain and into awe of the miracle I am and she is and the miracle of us being here together in this spec of time. For a moment, my body and mind felt the wonder of being here. And then I headed to the doctor for a different kind of medicine. Neither one better or worse, both needed and different. 

What is the point of shifting out of pain if only for a millisecond and if the pain is going to return? As humans, some pain emotional or physical will find us eventually. To be clear this is not some look on the bright side process. We do not dismiss the pain, instead it’s an invitation to an AND. Look there is pain AND there is a miracle. 

When I was in my greatest of grief after my father died, I said the kaddish, a prayer that makes no mention of death but instead shows devotion to the Divine and the miracle of the world. I often felt how cruel this practice was, why when at our deepest despair is this the prayer the one we are to say? But now, when I feel how painful it is to say this prayer when my heart is broken open, I recognize it is a pain that turns me just a second to “Oh right, there is life here too.” The interruption allows the door back to life to be left a smidge open for when I am fully ready to walk through. 
 
To continue to be in the inquiry of pain beyond the exploration’s usefulness simply grooves our brain to habitually go only to the pain. My bias is to have a world that can habitually shift to pleasure even for a millisecond to remind our minds, bodies, spirits, and souls that there is more to this earth plane than suffering. There are multitudes of sensations and experiences within and without happening simultaneously. I dream of a world where we can be “glass half full AND half empty at the same time” kind of people. A society where we can attune to the needs of those in front of us, and give a gracefully timed invitation to orient to beauty and pleasure. To be clear, this touching into pleasure may only last for a second and that is a WIN!!! 

The invitation to turn to pleasure is an art and it is not always well timed or well received. Does that mean we should shy away from the practice? To me the answer is no as long as the invitation is not coming from a place of our uncomfortability. So how do we know when to offer such invitations? Below are my thoughts on practicing the art of inviting in more ease when we are suffering. 

How do we know when to offer such invitations to ourselves and to others?
1. Give AMPLE space to the suffering - witnessing, acknowledging, spaciousness, etc. 
2. When sitting with another consider why you are inviting the shift. Are you offering the invitation because YOU are uncomfortable, annoyed, frustrated - this is not the time to invite beauty/ease/pleasure - to make it more comfortable for you.  
3. Compassion is critical to the invitation. Meeting suffering with the desire to fix, change, get them (or you) over it, dismissing their (your) suffering as not that bad is often again about our own discomfort. Compassion is free of agenda AND has boundary. 
4. Are you prepared/ok with the person returning to their suffering? Remember a millisecond of something a smidge less uncomfortable/more easeful, pleasurable is what we are going for - so the return is part of the process. 
5. Sometimes we do get hyper focused on pain. Patience, compassion (including self), and boundary are important. This is ok and shows that the movement to another state is not there YET. It really is something we need to practice.

So my invitation to you this season, is where can you turn to a smidge more ease, more comfort, more pleasure? Not because you want to dismiss the suffering, but to acknowledge that both exist. And in a world that needs an urgent end suffering, this practice is part of what can keep us going to create a new world. A world that has more nuance, more acceptance of paradox, simultaneous truths, and multiple experiences along with humans who can hold tension and discomfort without letting go too soon. This practice of inviting pleasure is more urgent than ever. I dream of a world where we could all be full, multidimensional humans and honored for it. This to me is a world closer to less suffering and more ease for all. 

Blessings,

Valerie ​