My First Podcast

“Take these broken wings,
And learn to fly again,
Learn to live so free”
- Mr. Mister

This morning I was thinking of my path to recording my very first podcast as a guest with Tammy Sollenberger. And as I was pondering, the Mr. Mister song came on the radio and the lyrics (above) really hit home. Imagine, the thing you think makes you, you was gone overnight. Your intellect, a gift/talent, a personality trait - gone. Maybe some of you, like me, don’t have to imagine because you have lived through it. And living through it takes a varied path, so I will not assume to know the road you have traversed. 

For me, one of the things that made me, me was my ability to speak publicly with very little preparation and with little fear (don’t worry I have plenty of other fears). Several years ago, that public speaking skill along with several of my executive functioning skills left me. Suddenly I was faced with a life of speaking difficulties, the loss of organizing thoughts, sentences, and daily activities. I could no longer imagine a life of writing coherent papers, speaking clearly and thoughtfully about what matters to me, and showing up in the world as I had done for most of my life. Who was I now that I wasn’t all the things I loved? 

Thankfully I found a tremendous amount of support through retraining my brain, which encompasses a variety of therapies including speech and executive functioning. I was met with providers asking me if I liked doing a certain thing (sudoku for example) me saying emphatically NO and then the Dr. would say “good, I want you to do it every day until I see you again.” Ughhh, of course therapy to rebuild oneself isn’t to be fun, but everyday something that I LOATHE?!! That is the exact opposite of what humans want to do. What I discovered is if I did something everyday that I disliked and was a challenge with some compassion and patience, I ended up improving and enjoying the activity, growing my confidence in myself AND the process.

So here I am, six years from the time I lost what made me, me. I have not regained everything I lost (and most likely won't), but I keep moving in that direction in a very non-linear pattern. Even though I have met many goals, I still get frustrated and sad about my changes. I do not take for granted the days I can do laundry AND write a newsletter because I never thought I would be able to accomplish two very executive function heavy activities ever again in the same day (a HUGE thank you to Sarah Lovell for making daily life less mysterious for me). 

This weekend when I listened to the podcast with Tammy, I listened with my whole journey in mind. I wanted to critique my verbal fluency in some places, and go back to hiding until I was perfect. But there is no perfection and no guarantees of improvement. The only guarantee is this very moment, in my very really humanness. 

And when I meet this moment with self-compassion and a deep bow to all that got me here, I am moved and humbled. 

I am so proud of my conversation with Tammy. I am so honored she had me as a guest. We talked about some pretty radical and boundary pushing ideas about IFS (IMO), most I have never discussed publicly but have spent many many hours thinking and writing about (one day those writing will become more public). 

What makes the conversation so special is how comfortable and welcoming Tammy made me feel. I could show up as my perfect imperfect self. The world needs more of these spaces. We need less of  pathologizing our humanity and a whole lot more of acknowledging “broken wings” as deeply human and taking those broken wings as an invitation to freedom.

In addition to Tammy creating this space, the podcast wouldn't be possible without everyone who courageously and vulnerably shows up to work with me. I am changed everyday by those I work with, something many practitioners do not talk enough about but is vital to personal deepening, the transformative process when humans commune together. Thank you!

Click HERE to listen...I hope you take a listen and that something in our conversation has meaning for you. I would love to hear what you think!! 

Warmly, 

Valerie