 I am not one for forced gratitude. I am not one for forced anything...joy, happiness, smiling, socializing. I am not for it possibly because I am not good at it. That is not to say that I do not think gratitude is vital to experiencing life with more gentleness. But gratitude has become one of the tools of spiritual bypassing. Often our suffering is met with “focus on what you are grateful for.”
While the intention of redirecting our energy is admirable, this invitation often comes from outside ourselves from a person who cannot accompany us in our suffering. The invitation is more about them than us. Or maybe this forced gratitude comes from within, because we are not able to accompany ourselves in our suffering or we have internalized the cultural message of “good” people are grateful. So we turn away from it, and focus on the good things, the happy things. And in this turning away, the happy things are not quite as happy as they could be because we have not attended to what is also in the room: our pain and discontentedness. During this time, when so much of the world is in crisis, gratitude can feel complex for some and a welcome relief for others. You do you. But my invitation is why do you do what you do? Do you think you should feel happy and grateful right now? Are you continuously overriding your impulses and feelings to appear grateful? No judgment - we all have cultural conditioning to unpack. This unpacking is what leads us to become more of ourselves…and sometimes we unpack and find that Yes, we do want what we have been taught to be. Personally, this year I am grateful for the invitation into gratitude. It has been a challenging year in my household. I have witnessed the difficulty, made space for it, railed and resisted against it, accepted it, and bowed down to it. And because of this, I believe I have space to meet the gratitude invitation more fully (ask me in a week or two and you may get a different answer). In the research of gratitude, specificity is crucial to the honoring. I would also add that being truthful to one’s self is a valuable ingredient…you don’t have to profess to be thankful for something that you aren’t. So yes I may be thankful for the surgical interventions that have saved my life, but I am not grateful for the pain I experienced (as one of my teachers says, pain is an overrated teacher). When things are difficult, I focus in on the smallest thing I can truly be grateful for (although sometimes I do not get to this step). Wherever you are in your relationship to gratitude - a huge fan, a skeptic, in a break up - honor it. Gratitude, when not a societal construct or something to check off our spiritual personality trait card, is a natural state we ebb in and out of. The ebbing in and out is one of the keys to knowing if it is a bypass or a more emergent state. If gratitude is something you are considering this holiday…the recipe to explore is specificity and not lying to one’s self, and also making space for the difficult. I am grateful for those I call friends and family this year because they have helped me remember that I matter when I have forgotten, and that has made life more meaningful and less lonely. I am grateful for my clients because I am continuously reminded of the beauty of humanity, opening up more access for compassion - for myself and others. I am grateful for my animals for showing me everyday what it means to be an animal, and this remembering helps me to lean into my own animal nature, offering spaces of more ease and resilience. And I am deeply grateful to each one of you who takes the time to read, reflect, and reach out after each of these newsletters because without you, I would not learn, grow outside myself, and create as much as I do. And creation is one of the very acts that keeps me here on this earth. Holidays are complex, stressful times for so many. They are bittersweet moments if we have loved ones missing from our tables. Or holidays can touch our wounds of othering and marginalization. They might require us to turn away from our needs and desires so that we may tend to family, safety, and to our survival. However this holiday lands for you, I hope you know you matter. And how you feel and what you do doesn’t change your worth. You matter and I am grateful you are here connected to me through these words and this screen. My invitation this holiday weekend in the US (and everyday from here on) is, find some small drop inside you that believes - without a doubt and without any need to do anything - that you matter…and tend to that seed drop by drop until it is a whole forest within. With much gratitude for your beingness… Valerie
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National Day of Mourning
"Since 1970, Native Americans have gathered at noon on Cole's Hill in Plymouth to commemorate National Day of Mourning on the U.S. Thanksgiving holiday. Many Native Americans do not celebrate the arrival of the Pilgrims and other European settlers. To them, Thanksgiving Day is a reminder of the genocide of millions of their people, the theft of their lands, and the relentless assault on their cultures. Participants in National Day of Mourning honor Native ancestors and the struggles of Native peoples to survive today. It is a day of remembrance and spiritual connection as well as a protest of the racism and oppression which Native Americans continue to experience." ~ Plaque Erected by the Town of Plymouth on behalf of the United American Indians of New England
Thanksgiving this year feels especially complex and multilayered, which isn’t unlike life. As in past years, the theme of gratitude and the plethora of sale emails have been permeating the last several days. But this year isn’t like other years. The CDC asks us to limit gatherings and not to travel, a pandemic has taken precious loved ones from us, many are struggling to put food on the table, and society is at a cultural turning point. This feels like the perfect time to practice embracing life as the paradox it is.
The tableau of Thanksgiving is rooted in historical misrepresentation and societal expectations. Throw in a pandemic and this year's Thanksgiving is likely something most of us haven't experienced. Maybe you are enjoying the holiday without the pressure to gather or go from house to house, or possibly you are mourning the loss of your traditions and are looking forward to a time when life "returns to normal." There is room for everyone in the emotional continuum of the day, which I hope also includes some learning and unlearning around the historical roots of the holiday. I write this newsletter on the land of the Myaamia, Shawnee, and Osage Peoples along with the Indigenous people of the Hopewell and Adeena whose earthworks are visited throughout my area. We live on land that is steeped in community, honoring, and conflict. For many, this is not an easy part of the holiday to reconcile. But that doesn't mean we have to turn away. As Glennon Doyle says "we can do hard things." In my continued learning around the holiday, I came across the National Day of Mourning. The words on the commemorative plaque is above. I share these words because of the clarity of the heartfelt, reality-cutting message. We can do hard things and not turn away from the historical realities of day. We have the ability to embrace and honor the complexities of this day. Maybe in addition to gratitude we can also make Thanksgiving a day of learning and reverence. I want to acknowledge that this year may be especially hard due to the loss of traditions and the loss of loved ones that we will never kiss and hug again. The personal grief compounded by the urgency of society to examine our history of enslavement, genocide, and racism is a lot to hold. Now is the time to be kind and gentle with ourselves. Learning and unlearning doesn’t have to happen all at one time. It can be done sip by sip. Contradictory emotions can be experienced at the same moment. Honoring your own complexity gives space to honor the world’s complexity. Simple and complex – life is both. So on this day of giving thanks, I would like to extend my deep gratitude for this community's willingness to show up, do hard things, learn, grow, and provide space for this woman’s most unusual new age musings. And as always, if you need support, I am here. Please reach out. Blessings, Valerie |
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