 I have been quieter in my writing this year than I had planned. In fact, the only thing that has really gone the way I expected to this year is the natural world. Winter, fall, spring, and summer have all shown up - a rhythm that has been moving along since the ancient wheel of the year was created.
Humans have turned towards the natural world as a time keeper for each generation that comes and goes. The trees in my neighborhood have witnessed countless families grow through life cycles. And while weather has shifted as humans continue to engage the planet - the weather is a variation on the theme of each season - spring, summer, fall, winter have shown up in their extremes and more common states. But they always show up. So when we find ourselves in a year, a day, a life filled with the unexpected, it is a reminder that the world beyond our walls (and screens) is beckoning to us. Sacred reminders to turn towards the most consistent being in our life - earth. And earth right now in the northern hemisphere is the time of year celebrating the summer harvest. Here in Ohio, sweet corn has arrived and my squash plant has begun to fruit, a volunteer that found its way in our garden. I am cheering for that plant, unplanned but welcome, a reminder that unexpected change can delight instead of incite bracing. Another unexpected harvest this week has been the arrival of a podcast that was recorded in March around the spring equinox. It was a joy to speak with Natalie on IFS, spirituality, and how we all need external resources in addition to internal supports. You can check out our conversation HERE. As we meet this moment of Lammas 2024, my invitation is with curiosity explore what unexpected delights have shown in your garden. The invitation is not to deny the unwelcome and difficult, but to add to that conversation, just for a brief second. And as with any invitation you can turn it down - it’s ok to not want to look at the delight right now. It’s ok to sit with the challenge as long as you need. This invitation to tenderly, briefly touch into delight does not have an expiration date. It will be here for you, when you are most ready for it. May your year turn gently towards the coming equinox. And may we all find some steadiness within the consistent changing of the world around us. Sincerely, Valerie
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 “Take these broken wings, And learn to fly again, Learn to live so free” - Mr. Mister This morning I was thinking of my path to recording my very first podcast as a guest with Tammy Sollenberger. And as I was pondering, the Mr. Mister song came on the radio and the lyrics (above) really hit home. Imagine, the thing you think makes you, you was gone overnight. Your intellect, a gift/talent, a personality trait - gone. Maybe some of you, like me, don’t have to imagine because you have lived through it. And living through it takes a varied path, so I will not assume to know the road you have traversed.
For me, one of the things that made me, me was my ability to speak publicly with very little preparation and with little fear (don’t worry I have plenty of other fears). Several years ago, that public speaking skill along with several of my executive functioning skills left me. Suddenly I was faced with a life of speaking difficulties, the loss of organizing thoughts, sentences, and daily activities. I could no longer imagine a life of writing coherent papers, speaking clearly and thoughtfully about what matters to me, and showing up in the world as I had done for most of my life. Who was I now that I wasn’t all the things I loved? Thankfully I found a tremendous amount of support through retraining my brain, which encompasses a variety of therapies including speech and executive functioning. I was met with providers asking me if I liked doing a certain thing (sudoku for example) me saying emphatically NO and then the Dr. would say “good, I want you to do it every day until I see you again.” Ughhh, of course therapy to rebuild oneself isn’t to be fun, but everyday something that I LOATHE?!! That is the exact opposite of what humans want to do. What I discovered is if I did something everyday that I disliked and was a challenge with some compassion and patience, I ended up improving and enjoying the activity, growing my confidence in myself AND the process. So here I am, six years from the time I lost what made me, me. I have not regained everything I lost (and most likely won't), but I keep moving in that direction in a very non-linear pattern. Even though I have met many goals, I still get frustrated and sad about my changes. I do not take for granted the days I can do laundry AND write a newsletter because I never thought I would be able to accomplish two very executive function heavy activities ever again in the same day (a HUGE thank you to Sarah Lovell for making daily life less mysterious for me). This weekend when I listened to the podcast with Tammy, I listened with my whole journey in mind. I wanted to critique my verbal fluency in some places, and go back to hiding until I was perfect. But there is no perfection and no guarantees of improvement. The only guarantee is this very moment, in my very really humanness. And when I meet this moment with self-compassion and a deep bow to all that got me here, I am moved and humbled. I am so proud of my conversation with Tammy. I am so honored she had me as a guest. We talked about some pretty radical and boundary pushing ideas about IFS (IMO), most I have never discussed publicly but have spent many many hours thinking and writing about (one day those writing will become more public). What makes the conversation so special is how comfortable and welcoming Tammy made me feel. I could show up as my perfect imperfect self. The world needs more of these spaces. We need less of pathologizing our humanity and a whole lot more of acknowledging “broken wings” as deeply human and taking those broken wings as an invitation to freedom. In addition to Tammy creating this space, the podcast wouldn't be possible without everyone who courageously and vulnerably shows up to work with me. I am changed everyday by those I work with, something many practitioners do not talk enough about but is vital to personal deepening, the transformative process when humans commune together. Thank you! Click HERE to listen...I hope you take a listen and that something in our conversation has meaning for you. I would love to hear what you think!! Warmly, Valerie  Pleasure is vital to living. It is not a luxury or an after-thought, but the very thing that makes life (which can be so heartbreaking and difficult) worth living. And yet many of us struggle with pleasure. It can be activating to sink into pleasure, we rush through it, and push it off. But for me, the more I can be with pleasure, push my edge of pleasure, the more I can sit with life's challenges. For me, pleasure is what I orient to when I need to persevere and make it through. I hope the message below invites you into exploring pleasure this Beltane and throughout all of the year...
At the end of each day during my intermediate year of Somatic Experiencing training, Berns Galloway, our instructor, would give us our homework, “orient to pleasure.” It was a welcome and sometimes challenging directive at the end of a full day of learning and personally exploring the regions of trauma. Pleasure is a word many of us here and our brains say YES! Of course we can experience pleasure. However, the reality is when faced with the real invitation to pleasure, it’s often met with hesitation or a bit of an edge when we lean into it. Pleasure can be scary for so many. We place limitations on pleasure - when, where, how much is acceptable, and in proportion to our productive output. Pleasure is often something to be earned, and not simply pleasure for pleasure sake. At this turning point in the natural world, pleasure is a wonderful thing to explore as May Day, Beltane, and Taurus season are upon us. The season is a feast for the senses (sometimes too much so - HELLO allergies). And pleasure is the energy of the season. If it's spring for you new life is unfurling all around - plants, animals, the sun’s renewed warmth. And if Beltane is in the fall, color, leaves drifting to the ground, and the shift light is an invitation to seek pleasure in the current seasonal way. It’s through our senses that we experience awakening and aliveness. Orienting to pleasure is seeking out what is pleasing to our senses - taste, touch, smell, see, hear, and our inner knowing. It’s allowing what pleases us to move us and embody our being in ways that nourish and soothe. The greater our capacity to orient and experience pleasure I believe gives us greater capacity to be with the fullness of life’s experiences (the uncomfortable, the uncertainty, and the beauty). Metabolizing pleasure is an important step. A pleasure bomb won’t really bring us more pleasure, in fact it may keep us seeking pleasure that is never quite gratifying. For example, one of my pleasures is ice cream. Too much of it makes me feel gross, and if I don’t give myself the space and time to be present with the ice cream, I keep wanting more and more until it makes me sick. Being present taste by taste allows my system to fully experience the pleasure as opposed to overwhelming me. Metabolizing, giving ourselves spaciousness and time, allows our nervous system to acclimate to what we are feeling and experiencing. Slowing down our experiences, being spacious and generous with our time when engaging our senses, is the key to fulfillment and deep nourishment. Pleasure requires a level of trust and safety. It’s challenging to feel a sense of pleasure in immediate crisis. Our physiology requires some steadiness to experience states that we often try to conjure on demand from ourselves and others - calm, curiosity, and enjoyment. Yes we can be in these states in uncomfortable situations - I can orient to the smallest molecule of pleasure while in an MRI machine (a warm blanket, a stuffed animal) but at least for me that requires a lot of conscious practice before the event and outside reminders during. Many of us learn as adults the skills of tending to our nervous systems. We are hungry for healing and a life that is gratifying. These are slow skills, not the quick fix that society demands of us. Our culture isn’t geared towards timelessness and spaciousness, and it can be revolutionary to give this deep reverence of pleasure to ourselves and others. This season of rooting into our senses, awakening our beings, I invite you to orient to pleasure. Drop by drop, nourish yourself with what is pleasing and satisfying to you. This is an invitation to be completely, unabashedly you in the beauty, wonder, and awe that fills this season. Blessings, Valerie |
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